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When fear becomes your greatest friend

It may seem impossible to hear that fear can be your greatest friend because this emotion is one of the most uncomfortable emotions we can experience.

We are afraid because we sense danger and therefore, in a completely natural way, we protect ourselves by avoiding or distancing ourselves from what frightens us, in fact, the psychological function of fear is to protect us from dangers, allowing us to take care of ourselves and preserve our well-being. 

If this sounds familiar, you probably have the doubt or certainty that your fears are leading you to avoid situations, decisions, people who could represent the answer to your desires to live more fulfilling relationships, feel more satisfied with yourself, achieve goals in your work, and so on.

Questions to ask yourself when feeling fear

Turning your worst enemy, fear, into a great friend is neither easy nor immediate, but if you want to achieve your desires rather than NOT achieving them, you can start by finding your own answers to some useful questions.

Tell yourself what you are afraid of.

Basically...what monster are we talking about? For example, a new relationship? And what specifically? Are you afraid of being hurt? Judged? Of not being interesting enough?

Get curious, look for the aspect to take care of. Whatever it is, so make your fear something you can deal with, lighten it.

Ask yourself if you are in (real) danger.

Is the object of your fears something you have to protect yourself from because it can hurt you? Or is it an opportunity to grow, to fulfill yourself, to feel happy? 

I often hear stories of people who are afraid of what they have always wanted.

A relationship of mutual respect, a job where they can express their potential, a child, a place where they feel accepted and understood. 

The closer the goal is, the greater the fear, the stronger the intention to retreat and turn back, letting go of the much desired opportunity.

I am reminded in particular of the story of a young woman who wanted very much to be in a stable relationship, but who interrupted her relationships as they began to become more stable. This was the time when the fear of being abandoned was becoming stronger: the solution to silence it was to leave before being left, so as not to have to deal with the pain of abandonment later on.

This was the way this woman deprived herself of precious opportunities to live an intimate relationship and be happy. When we worked on the root cause (fear of abandonment), she was able to start a relationship without being fearful of it.

Fears can help us to better understand our needs and desires.

I don't think it is necessary to dive into everything that scares us, but I am sure it is important to listen to our fears, to welcome them as friends in order to make sense of them, rather than avoiding them.

Because behind the fear may be hiding the awareness of how and why we are boycotting ourselves while we try hard to achieve our desires to feel happy and satisfied.

...and the change of what we don't like starts from awareness: of us, of our needs, of our emotions, of how we move in the world, of our desires for change.

What about you? Stop for a moment and think about it. Is fear taking control over your life?  

Love, Carlotta


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